am i taking things for granted?

true enough, sometimes we unintentionally took things for granted; and sometimes we even secretly or boldly wishing for more. we are humans and so we are bound to make mistakes right? have i been so perfect, i am not human. yet, in the context of social norms, it becomes unethical or inhumane to push boundaries further, just to see how much more benefits i could reap for myself.
these few days got me thinking about a couple of things. unfortunately, all the thoughts i had had no solution. Instead of clearing my thoughts, deep meditation and conversation with myself has surfaced quite a lot of contradictory troubles and fears that just seem to linger around me... bad stain bad stain....
if i had wanted sth so badly, i really needa prove it. the more i see how ppl successes in their lives, it really got me thinking about my future. however, how to define that? what does being successful means to you and to what extent would you considered yourself as successful? there are many ways to look at it ...
and for me
it is more like
....
getting recognized for my work and effort?
idk... a sense of achievement? and perhaps this sense of achievement must get so big like a fireball so as to not understate my definition of being successful? honestly, i am confused by myself too. and putting all this confusion aside, it is important to ask my soul this question...  and because of this particular question, it got me deep soul searching for a very long time.... did/have i put enough effort to achieve it? sometimes, i really felt that i had given my best to the situation, (and even if the outcome(s) was/were positive) many times when i looked back at those effort, i cant help but to ask, was that enough? was that all i could do?  worse, if the outcome was nowhere near my expectation, i would take a long long long.... long long long time to recuperate my broken "internal" energy. im sure many of us are living with a complicated mind even if we think that we had led a life so boring that even a drama producer would refuse to use it as a potential storyline material.... right? contrary to popular belief, it is not so. uniqueness still beats
anyway.... looking carefully at my life, i have so many regrets... and i could only regret.... and remained regretful... if only if only if only... so many ifs...


that's enuff said and done,
p

No way am I gonna Shining bright like a DIAMOND.... OOPSS...

Maybe I am a little slow but I do realised that most of my friends have since stopped to blog about themselves.
The reason why I am still writing is not because i am expecting audiences (lol) but rather, it has become my personal healing entity. A place where I have to filter my thoughts before input can be extremely therapeutic to me. Even if the things i wrote contained mainly sad emotion, the will to continue remains unwavered. :)
You see....
Being an Uni student in a competitive school really affects my mood drastically. I noticed it. Times changed, and for me, i think i have changed too; flux according to circumstances. Unfortunately, i cannot seem to get "well" in this rat race, and the more I try to unacknowledged those unpleasant struggles, the more insecure I get. I understand that i should face it like a warrior or embrace with maturity, however it is often easy to say than done.
... Sometimes, whenever i think of those tears shed for my struggles, i felt like a loser, so imcompetent. This is not to say that i am expecting a smooth sailing life but the path which i have chose to walk hurts so much that the thought of giving all up becomes so vulnerable. Perhaps others had an even painful experience compared to mine but this is my honest feelings about myself - no pretence -  my truest 心情。
Although it is too late to talk about regrets, i shall not and will not deny that uni has indeed brought another side of me; thus preparing me for the next chapter of my life.

Oh well, suck it up.

ohh and i forgot to mention..... %&%@*&&$(@*#(