getting rusty here...

hello there my beautiful world!
hahah, i was distracted by many things and since i couldnt focus on my work (or research work), i might as well use this time to update my (almost forgotten) blog!
despite a happy starting sentence, i would say that i'm pretty emo these days! really! very emo! hahaha
yet at the same time, i cant help but to laugh at my silly stubbornness~ if you dont let go those negative thinkings, you wont receive inner peace even if you think you have let it go, you must genuinely let it go to give your brain, heart and perhaps soul an overdue vacation.
it is hard! very! why is it so hard?! tell me why?!
i think the real reason is, (hahahahah, warning alert! im pushing blame on others) i'm constantly surrounded by high IQ and EQ people which means im soooo soooo inferior as compared to them. heheh MUST BE!
haiz... need to self reflect more, otherwise, such a profound conclusion cannot be reached (*nodding randomly). hahahha
apart from being stupiak and all, i would say, i am pretty proud about myself! ahahah to have survived so many emo days, and probably many to come until graduation, with a smile to brush off all the heavy emotional burdens away from my shoulders. it wasnt all that easy, but i managed to sort them out day by day with little therapeutic steps which ive created. i truly wishes that things could turn out well, in fact, i always have this little wish on my little mind that one day, i could reminisce my decisions made in life, be it big or small. surely, this sounds so silly but to me, it is more like a pinky promise to myself.
anyway, i hope bad things will eventually find their way out, so that i can concentrate all my energy into developing happy memories. hehehe

mmwmmm, even on days which i am supposed to dedicate time for work, i chose to idle around.. i must be bichesoyo! hahah so many research articles to read, it makes me wonder a lot. of cuz, it is not to say all these reading materials are unnecessarily, in contrast, they not only enhance my reading ability but also understanding towards the topic; eventually i could integrate all the information and crystallise them into my theory. being able to do that requires a lot of patience (which i am lacking apparently), as well as interest. once you lose that curiosity spark, the path to elucidate knowledge could be severely compromised. not to say that without interest you couldnt produce an A+ work, passion dies, and every min spent on the work leeches you more. somehow, the previous sentence doesnt really coincide with my mind because, if i could produce A+ result with less effort, regardless how much interest invested on it, my mood status would immediately switch to green (healthy and happy). wahahaha blahhh blahhh
wahahha, after typing so many rubbish, i just realised i am such a nerd! omg... could i be humanised?!
in order to do that, i must throw away all my academic stuffs and allow people to be informed about what is occupying in my head 80% of the time. and yes! probably it is obvious but i wanna say ~~~ BIGBANG BIGBANG WOOOHOOOOWOOHOOOO F1 GOT YOU HERE IN SINGAPORE! WHEEEE~~~ I AM SO FORTUNATE TO LIVE IN AN INTERNET ERA! HOW I WISHED I COULD BE THERE LIVE! TO INDULGE IN THE ATMOSPHERE AND GET HIGH WITH EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAD ATTENDED! DESPITE THAT SMALL REGRET, I AM THANKFUL FOR ALL THOSE UPLOADERS OUT THERE WHO POSTED THE VIDS ON YOUTUBE, SO THAT FANS WHO MISSED THEIR ACTIONS COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO WITNESS THEIR INTERNATIONAL INFLUENCE~ TRULY KPOP KINGS~ PRICELESS PERFORMANCES! THEY HAVE WORKED HARD TO COMPLETE SUCH AN IMPACT SHOW YESTERDAY NIGHT!
CANT HELP BUT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM ALL OVER AGAIN! IT IS INSANE AND CRAZY! HAHAHA... BIGBANG IS SPECIAL. <3
THINKING BACK, I HAVE KNOWN THIS BAND FOR SO MANY YEARS BUT I NEVER PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO THEM AND THE FUNNY THING IS, INITIALLY, I THOUGHT TAEYANG WAS THE LEADER HAHHAHA... AT THAT TIME (WHICH I CANT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHICH YEAR WAS IT), EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT TAEYANG'S WEDDING DRESS SONG, THUS I JUST FOLLOWED SUIT AND LISTENED TO SEVERAL SONGS SUNG BY INDIVIDUAL BIGBANG MEMBERS. DONT ASK ME WHY I DIDNT LISTEN TO BIGBANG'S SONGS AS A GROUP BACK THEN, I CANT RMB BUT I WASNT THAT INTO THEM (INDIVIDUALLY BACK THEN). SUBSEQUENTLY, (I THINK IT WAS DURING LAST TERM'S 3 MONTHS BREAK? MMM LIKE JULY? I WAS RANDOMLY WATCHING TV PROG ON MIO TV, I HEARD A SONG FROM BB AND THE REST WAS HISTORY. THE SONG HAS DRAMATICALLY TRANSFORMED ME INTO A BB FAN, WHILE NOT SO HARDCORE YET, IT WAS THE TURNING PT WHERE I COME TO REALIZE THAT I MUST KNOW BB MORE! THE CATCH IS HERE, THE MORE I KNOW ABOUT THEM, THE MORE I BECOME IRRESISTIBLY DRAWN TO THEM AND SINCE THEN I'VE PLEDGE MY LOYALTY. UNBELIEVABLE I KNOW. I AM SHOCKED BY MYSELF TOO. I MEAN IDOLS COME AND GO, NO BIG DEAL. AND YEA, SOME ARE REALLY TALENTED AND SO ON, BUT YOU MOVED ON. SOME ARE REALLY SPECIAL, BUT THEY JUST QUIETLY HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE NOTHING OF ANY SORT COME CLOSE EVER SINCE I COME ACROSS BB. IN MY HEAD, THEY DOMINATE AND TRIUMPH OVER EVERYTHING ELSE. WELL, ALTHOUGH I MAY NOT PUT THEIR PICTURE ON MY PILLOW CASING (HAHAHAH), MY LOVE FOR THEIR MUSIC REMAINS STURDY AND UNDYING.
<3 CREATIVE G-DRAGON, SEXY TOP, ANGELIC DAESUNG, TALENTED TAEYANG AKA YOUNGBAE, AND MISCHIEVOUS SEUNGRI CONSTITUTE MY UNIQUE BIGBANG!
HAHAH AND BEFORE YOU ARE STARTING TO WONDER WHEN WOULD I REVEAL WHICH MAGICAL SONG CHANGED MY ENTIRE PERCEPTION ON BB, OR RATHER KPOP, (MAYBE NO ONE IS INTERESTED TO KNOW BUT I WILL STILL REVEAL ON THE BEHALF OF MY THICK SKIN), THAT REVOLUTIONARY SONG IS ~~ BLUE (I'M SINGING MY BLUES~) HAHAH RINGS A BELL? THAT IS MY WECHAT AND WHATSAPP STATUS LIKE DUD ALL THE TIME... HEHEHEHE... YES, THIS WAS THE SONG WHICH CAUSED ME TO BE TRAPPED INTO THEIR AWESOMENESS AND I WONDERED, HOW DID EVERYTHING HAPPENED SO FAST AND FURIOUS. BECAUSE BY THE TIME I REALISED ... I HAVE BEEN WATCHING EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM ON YOUTUBE SUBCONSCIOUSLY... LIKE A VIRUS WHICH INVADES MY BODY, MY BRAIN, MY HEART WITHOUT ANY EFFORT, IT GRADUALLY PROPAGATES EXPONENTIALLY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION INSIDE MY BODY AND TRAVEL AROUND WITHOUT A PASSPORT UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE FOR TREATMENT; NOW IT IS BEYOND ANY CURE. BAM! I'M TRAPPED. > VIP ROCKS  <

TO ALL THE VIPs, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS <3

ALRIGHT, ENOUGH OF ME BEING SUCH A GIRLY FAN GIRL, SARANG HAE YO BIGBANG. 

GOODNIGHT, TONIGHT I WILL BE YOUR ALIVE BLUE MONSTER, NO LIES NEEDED CUZ YOU DONT DESERVE A STUPID LIAR, THIS WILL NOT BE OUR LAST FAREWELL, NEVER TELL ME GOODBYE, DEEP WITHIN YOU ARE OUR FANTASTIC BABY AND SO HANDS UP MY NUMBER 1!

LOVE,
P

overwhelmed

hai.... keep on making bad decisions

what is wrong with me... on the verge of breaking one and no one tries to save you, and you dun know how it's like.... welcome to my life....




Unhappy... somehow, school makes me unhappy... really unhappy... how come and how can? because things changed... at that split second i really thought... it was wise for me to do it... now... i'm doubting myself... more and even more...


oh lord, im so sorry to be greedy...

too serious too soon

ohmy.... i wasnt expecting it to come so soon! i havent get ready to present yet. mmmm a sudden realization that im really going to do my honours soon.
im not sure how am i feeling right now. a bit confused and terrified. in fact, i'm kinda scared; dunno what should i present in front of so many pros. i know i shouldnt be since i have an awesome mentor guiding me in this peculiar research journey, yet.......
oh well... life goes on.. i was still thinking of having some fun before school reopens... oh well here goes my july... not sure if i'm supposed to be happy or sad...
aigu.... alright, i shouldnt be too greedy!

Humpf,
P

am i taking things for granted?

true enough, sometimes we unintentionally took things for granted; and sometimes we even secretly or boldly wishing for more. we are humans and so we are bound to make mistakes right? have i been so perfect, i am not human. yet, in the context of social norms, it becomes unethical or inhumane to push boundaries further, just to see how much more benefits i could reap for myself.
these few days got me thinking about a couple of things. unfortunately, all the thoughts i had had no solution. Instead of clearing my thoughts, deep meditation and conversation with myself has surfaced quite a lot of contradictory troubles and fears that just seem to linger around me... bad stain bad stain....
if i had wanted sth so badly, i really needa prove it. the more i see how ppl successes in their lives, it really got me thinking about my future. however, how to define that? what does being successful means to you and to what extent would you considered yourself as successful? there are many ways to look at it ...
and for me
it is more like
....
getting recognized for my work and effort?
idk... a sense of achievement? and perhaps this sense of achievement must get so big like a fireball so as to not understate my definition of being successful? honestly, i am confused by myself too. and putting all this confusion aside, it is important to ask my soul this question...  and because of this particular question, it got me deep soul searching for a very long time.... did/have i put enough effort to achieve it? sometimes, i really felt that i had given my best to the situation, (and even if the outcome(s) was/were positive) many times when i looked back at those effort, i cant help but to ask, was that enough? was that all i could do?  worse, if the outcome was nowhere near my expectation, i would take a long long long.... long long long time to recuperate my broken "internal" energy. im sure many of us are living with a complicated mind even if we think that we had led a life so boring that even a drama producer would refuse to use it as a potential storyline material.... right? contrary to popular belief, it is not so. uniqueness still beats
anyway.... looking carefully at my life, i have so many regrets... and i could only regret.... and remained regretful... if only if only if only... so many ifs...


that's enuff said and done,
p

No way am I gonna Shining bright like a DIAMOND.... OOPSS...

Maybe I am a little slow but I do realised that most of my friends have since stopped to blog about themselves.
The reason why I am still writing is not because i am expecting audiences (lol) but rather, it has become my personal healing entity. A place where I have to filter my thoughts before input can be extremely therapeutic to me. Even if the things i wrote contained mainly sad emotion, the will to continue remains unwavered. :)
You see....
Being an Uni student in a competitive school really affects my mood drastically. I noticed it. Times changed, and for me, i think i have changed too; flux according to circumstances. Unfortunately, i cannot seem to get "well" in this rat race, and the more I try to unacknowledged those unpleasant struggles, the more insecure I get. I understand that i should face it like a warrior or embrace with maturity, however it is often easy to say than done.
... Sometimes, whenever i think of those tears shed for my struggles, i felt like a loser, so imcompetent. This is not to say that i am expecting a smooth sailing life but the path which i have chose to walk hurts so much that the thought of giving all up becomes so vulnerable. Perhaps others had an even painful experience compared to mine but this is my honest feelings about myself - no pretence -  my truest 心情。
Although it is too late to talk about regrets, i shall not and will not deny that uni has indeed brought another side of me; thus preparing me for the next chapter of my life.

Oh well, suck it up.

ohh and i forgot to mention..... %&%@*&&$(@*#(

Wasted one entire day idling! shit

and so i really thought it was a good idea to stay at home and try to cook something up for my report... but i realised it was a bad bad decision... i couldnt really start on anything... except reading on some references... what made matter worse was i couldnt even remember the lanes used for my experiment... total WIN. arghhh... and my whatsapp vibrates like crazy, i seriously cannot concentrate! arghhhh keep getting distracted here and there.

hey p, you have to get things str! if you are gg to attend the ceremony as well as gg jb on the same day, you got to get your ass and brain focus on the report! otherwise, you can jolly well kiss goodbye with all the plans and stay at home building your scaffold! arghhhh you HAVE to stick to the schedule you arranged for yourself! WHAT IS THIS?! wasting time idling from one website to another, you are screwed! argghhhh

devil p: there is still time plus she have grasp all the info she needed for the final report, chill chill
kanchiong p: then would the report produce from the sky n drop into your dropbox b4 submission. NO MORE GATHERING SESSIONs for you!

%%$#@6*&*#^*#^$&@(*)(#0- arghhhhh

one more CA on next friday, but i havent really revise a thing... arghhhh arghhhh if im a volcano, it has erupted continuously for the past agrhhhh 8 hours, excluding breakfast time. agrhhhhhhh agrhhhh

since i cannot concentrate, lets watch some youtube vids.... ARGHHHHHH

Finally... a not so upset post :)

Hello World!
How are ya?!

Let's kick start with something that happened to me just 4 days ago!
Well, i couldnt agree more that the amount of work and revisions required for school is freaking driving me crazy, but oh well, i have to deal with it right? Apart from that, i'm glad that i met up with Gen and Veron on Thurs :) It was definitely a night to remember since the last time the 3 of us gathered was like how many months ago. And every time we met, i really felt a sense of serenity and security :)
Moving on, all i could remember what i did on Good Friday was to chiong my assignments like a crazy woman yet still didnt manage to produce any decent work out... LOLOLx... And here comes Saturday where i get to meetup with moshulu ppl (even though the attendees were mostly made up of the usual ppl, it was nevertheless a nice catchup session filled  with so much joy and laughter; thus coloring my boring weekend.) And here comes Sunday ... opened my email and witnessed how my report was critiqued by my mentor. ahahah.. it was like ... an end of the world for me... all i could see was, my report was flooded in a sea of reds.... although i was shocked,  i was delighted. hehehe.. at least, now he knows that i am in need of his help urgently! Well, ok lah, i shall not be so demanding since he is busy with his postdoc thesis.

ok, shall get back to working mode soon... arggghhh

Cant seem to do anything right

oh goddd, please tell me how can i overcome this crisis... nothing is going my way and the more i try to be optimistic about everything, the more exhausted and "crashed" I am. This "crash-y" feeling is well illustrated as a cocaine drug addict undergoing withdrawal symptom... haiz.. before you start wondering elsewhere, i need to clarify that i'm not on drugs haha in fact, it freaks me out to even touch those stuff; and so how would i know anything about the withdrawal symptoms which the addicts are feeling?! Well, i guess... i just know it but milder.
Right now, i'm very dejected. No one actually knows how to read me and so i deserved to die in a corner - emo to death; until the withdrawal symptoms subside. Yet, the funny thing is, you keep going back for more; to get depress over again as though to build up tolerance so that the next wave of depression doesnt seem crashing on you so badly.
ohhh goddddd, please please spend some time with me and hear my cries ....
well i wont resort to wrist cutting or anything extreme but i am really really sick and tired of all this shit. one thing for sure, if i cant overcome it, nothing is going to solve my desire to win and succeed. i want it soooo badly - the recognition and prestige

hais

>''<
  

Hello 2013!

could you be my punching bag?! errrrrrrhhhhggghhhh

why cant i get those desired modules? erhhhggghhh

i feel weird... and i thought hey maybe it was a good change. in fact, you cant hide it because when it strikes, there's no way to hide- you're absolutely betrayed by your face expression. 

it feels weird... and i thought hey maybe afterall it was a good change. maybe, i mean just maybe, i can push the boundaries further and go ahead with the plans which ive rehearsed so many times in my mind.

give me some hints will yall?

not sure anymore,

P